my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
