my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
