bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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