His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
