my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize