I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
