Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
