Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
