You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
