Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
