Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
