someone get that fucking seahorse.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
