i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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