I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
