Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
