I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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