tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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