Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
