A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
