I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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