even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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