girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I AM VODKA MAN
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
