How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
