You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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