You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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