Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
