Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
