there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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