I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he thought i was a dude.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
