Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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