just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
