My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
