Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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