I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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