Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So much rum. So many feels.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
