My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
