im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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