Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
