I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
