Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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