Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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