i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
