All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
