at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
