Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
