what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
