just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
