I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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