my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
