I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
