Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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