At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
