What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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