sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize