I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
