RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
